Emotional blackmail, a tale of humble beginnings

“Oh I’m sorry, I only exist when you need something” is common place in our ever evolving society plagued with an absence of real genuine love and care. Your average person is looking for who to profit off on a daily under the guise of scratch my back, I scratch yours. Do you blame people for behaving that way? Do you join them? Are we really that selfish as human beings? The answer is yes.

I remember growing up, I convinced my classmate it’d be a good idea for him, who also happened to be the owner of the football to just sit by the sidelines and cheer the rest of us who could actually play. At least he could get to participate somehow eh?
Don’t look at me, he was terrible at it! I also celebrated my goals with him to be fair.

My parents adopted a parenting system which is uncanny in its approach and is borderline genius. Mom would tell you, “son, I trust that you’ll do the right thing regardless” (bear in mind, the “right thing” is nine times out of ten what she wants). They regulated my decision making from miles away with the feigned confidence and empowerment. Genius I tell you.

Is it a coincidence that as you get older you suddenly come to the realization about how important family is? Siblings you used to blackmail in the past are now the most important priority. Maybe it’s the realization that in this cold world, there’s only a few people that won’t desert you never, family.
You’re free to frame this paragraph and put it on your wall.

Is it just me or are memories best stored in the mind? None of that photo/video nonsense. I’m being completely honest when I tell you actual pictures really do ruin memories. Can you just leave me to my ignorance, I mean why is there a picture of me after my mom carved my hair and I had an uncanny resemblance to our very own speed Darlington. Anyway I’ll advise you take down all your embarrassing photos on Facebook before someone uses them to blackmail you in the near future.

For Nigerian women, kind gestures are perceived to be flirting and should be extinguished.
What’s the appropriate measure for the amount of compassion a guy can show before it is misinterpreted? What really has happened to this generation? Who said the average guy is supposed to be an arse half the time? Who told you the nice guy is doing too much? We need answers to these questions obviously and the only person qualified to provide them is none other than Lai Mohammed.

Blackmail in its purest form is asking that little child to go put on their slippers and making a dash for it immediately they turn their back. Or should we do a head count for all the little children you’ve promised to buy biscuit for only to promptly disappoint? Shame on you my friend! Going a step further is asking for my account details, so that you can save it on your phone? Let’s be guided please!

I think at some point we normalized blackmail. You get your heart broken in primary school and you proceed to take it out on all the women you meet on your way back down. Are they her? Is she them? Are they responsible for her actions? Mr Man it’s time to leave the shenanigans for the school boys, we need real men here! I know you’re getting excited, now check your account balance and come back to earth.

I think you should do better really; and I’m learning how to relate with people without expecting anything in return. I’m not saying it’s easy by any stretch. I mean, you’ve been eating your parents’ food all these years and you know damn well they expect you to give them your first salary in return. But it’s all good though, life is good.

I’m starting to get emotional now. I mean, you reading this right now have been a victim of my own blackmail. After reading the earlier paragraphs, you started to get a warm fuzzy feeling in your tummy. This world is cold, don’t be deceived, like the uncle that promised you a job after you completed your education, life is full of disappointments.

“What is dead may never die”

Gottfried

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