The year is 2019. I have just slept into the new year! I woke up about five minutes past midnight and I was in genuine shock. We’ve all heard the voodoo talk that whatever it was you started the year with, would stay with you all year round. Imagine believing? Now here’s the irony, I barely slept ever since. How could I sleep? I was just starting to experience entry-level poverty and she wasn’t pretty.
Insomnia. I realize I took sleep for granted when I was younger. The struggle with my management over observing a siesta. If they so badly wanted to keep me quiet, they should have just drugged me instead. I mean, Valium 5 was being sold at a giveaway price. Value for money really, considering I was restless.
2019? I was awake! Every night, I was up, thinking and thinking…you know up to that point where I could almost taste my own thoughts? It’s in moments like these you try to fathom how the guy that discovered ‘toast bread’ happened on this masterpiece. So you take already baked bread and heat it up for a couple more minutes…
Shooting Shots. For clarity, ‘shooting your shot’ basically means borrowing a loaded gun and unloading the entire magazine on your crush. It doesn’t help if you have poor aim and they’re not really feeling you. Of course, it could also be that you are refusing to take a hint. If they’re dodging your shots like The Matrix, it might be time to walk away…
Or…or, hear me out. You could PUT IN THAT WORK baby girl!
Highs. Some of the best moments this year were spent doing what I did best, giving people a hard time. Away from personal pursuits like trying to improve the zeros on my bank account, I also devoted quality time to trolling. It’s fun, you should try it. It’s not quite up there with bullying which is quite refreshing, but it’s a close second. My colleagues at work seem to love me, or maybe it’s the free rides home?
Regrets. We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment. My good friend Davies suffers neither. Can’t suffer if you don’t think. It’s crazy that people like this actually exist. They are living without a care in the world. What’s unfortunate is that there are also those like me, who spend sleepless nights worrying about them. My only regret this year is that I started to get more in tune with my feelings. I now see why the other gender behaves the way they do.
Cussing. At the start of the year, I made a deal with my bed to not cuss anyone out. Why is cussing bad? Well, when you cuss, you invoke the assistance of a spirit to help you inflict suffering on someone else. Honestly, it wouldn’t always be such a bad idea given the circumstances…
But you have to get a grip. If not for anything, do it for the kids.
Superpowers. I had cause to wish for Superpowers. None of that mundane Superman and Spiderman nonsense, but serious stuff you know. Like having the power to convince people to shower and brush their teeth regularly. Instead of Spider webs, I’d shoot deodorants and soap out of my palms. Heck, being dirty would legit be a crime. You get locked up for mouth odor. Body odor pegged at 14 years without parole.
Last days. The last days usually spell perilous times. On the eve of the year 2000, people were in such a frenzy about the thought of a new millennium that they went as far as committing suicide. Incredible! Whatever virus going around about entering a new decade, I don’t want it! For those of you screaming about cutting people off, you have to actually have people before you can cut them off right?
As we look into the new year, hold on to what is good, let go of what is bad. It’s really that simple. By the way, this doesn’t apply to parents. He might be a bad kid, but he’s still your kid. Unless he has bad energy. And you know what we say to bad energy?
Stay far away
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